Home Computers 732% More Evil Than 13 Years Ago

If you own a home computer, it is over seven times more likely to try and kill you now than it would have been in 1992, new statistics have shown.

No amount of pressing the 'Help' key can save you once a computer turns.

Findings in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine have shown that, in that 13-year period, almost 80,000 patients were treated in the US for injuries inflicted by computers.

Children under 5 are at particular danger of being victimised, mainly due to falls from tripping over cables, or demonic monitors throwing themselves at the children’s heads.

The UK has seen a similar rise in electronic acts of Satan, with injuries rising from 800 in 1995 to over 1,800 in 1999 and 2,100 in 2002 , the latest figures show. 

Parents are advised to keep young children away from the blood-thirsty killing machines, and also not to play John Mayer’s music on them, as this is thought to anger them further.

via: BBC

Love of Cereal ‘Linked to Higher Milk Consumption’

This cereal is in 'O' shapes.

Scientists over the world were shocked today to find a causal link between eating cereal and having higher than average milk consumption patterns. In a study of 6 participants, 32 scientists deduced that, over a thirty year period, those who ranked cereal the highest in the Facebook Test ‘What’s your favourite Food?’ were by far the most prolific milk drinkers. 

Dr. Oliver Bvious said that the findings “raised fascinating questions about the relationship between cereal and milk that have previously been left unexplored in the Milky Sciences”.

Cows everywhere are thought to be miffed at the news.

via: The Institute of Pointless Studies

Cancer Advice ‘Causes Cancer’*

This is what pills look like.

Many Britons are finding the conflicting reports over causal links with cancer to be confusing, and an alarming number are choosing instead to ignore such warnings. In a study by YouGov, over a quarter of respondents said they now completely disregard such findings, which could potentially lead to someone somewhere maybe one day not realising that the potato they ate could have possibly given them cancer maybe. 

In related news, Piers Morgan has been linked with Spontaneous Hatred Syndrome, a leading cause of throwingthingsatthetv-ism. Seven people have now been confirmed with the disease.

via: BBC

*Title may have no basis in actual fact