Selfish Climate Change Scientists ‘Causing Global Warming’*

In a spectacular display of irony, researchers have claimed that scientists studying climate change in the Arctic have far larger carbon footprints than those of ordinary mortals.

Thermometers: very low carbon footprint.

Researchers from University of Calgary estimate that they leave a footprint that is double the size of that left by the average person. They argue that this is largely caused by their long distance flights, and the use of devices such as snowmobiles, which emit large amounts of carbon.

Ryan Brook, one of the lead researchers, denied single-handedly causing global warming, but said:

“The importance of the research is not at question here. It is vital to our understanding of and adapting to climate change. But we need to think about better approaches.

“It’s important to critically evaluate how we can reduce our footprint from research activities.”

A fresh bout of climate change denial is expected to follow the news.

via: news:lite

*Headline may include intentionally misleading elements.

Researchers ‘Hear’ Shapes and ‘Taste’ Words, Deny Having Psychiatric Problems

Researchers have claimed that humans are all capable of “hearing” shapes and “tasting” words and sounds.

Scrabble: no longer the tastiest incarnation of words.

This merging of senses, known as synaesthesia, they say, helps us make sense of simultaneous sensory sensations by influencing our perceptions. Scientists from Oxford University found people associated lower-pitched sounds with rounder and larger shapes. 

Other cases of synaesthesia, less than 1% of the population, claim the ability to ‘see’ sounds, but Charles Spence, experimental psychology professor at the University, argues that we are all “synaesthetes” to a certain extent.

While the researchers deny having lost their minds, dieticians worry that the findings could lead to a wave of ‘word dieting’, in which people attempt to lose weight by cutting carbohydrates and eating their words.

via: BBC

Garlic ‘Gives Poor Protection Against Vampires’

Garlic is still a potent woman-repeller.

New research published today has shocked the vampire-fearing world by debunking the widely held belief that garlic provides the best protection against our toothy foes. 

Our faith in the power of garlic in deterring crafty haemoglobin-lovers can be traced back hundreds, even thousands of years to when cavemen used to have communal garlic baths as a means of survival. Dr. Steven Upid expanded on these findings,

 We were only actually trying to find out if there was a connection between high garlic consumption and watching American Idol, but we somehow came upon the finding that garlic really does not repel vampires. In fact, to an extent we actually found the opposite in a number of cases where vampires were actually attracted to the smell. 

If nothing else, the news will almost certainly reduce the number of people panic-buying garlic, which has seen a sudden spike recently in the wake of the popular ‘Twilight’ movies.

The ongoing search for an effective vampire repellent continues.