OMG, Gov'na! Brits Spend Half of Life on Technology

Look at these DOUCHEBAGS!

A potentially misleading new study has found that the average Briton spends half of their day watching television, using their phone, computers or other technological devices.

The study, conducted by everyone’s-favourite-killjoy Ofcom, found that multitasking was helping to drive the surge of technology use, with social networking sites particularly draining people’s time.

Peter Phillips, the Ofcom Partner of Strategy & Market Developments, said:

“For the first time we can see just how central media and communications are to our lives – on average we use them for nearly half our waking hours…

“Younger people have shown the biggest changes in how we use media – particularly using different media at the same time.  But the divide between younger and older people’s use of technology is starting to narrow as more older people are getting online and finding that things like email are very important to them.

It is not known exactly how much tech use will continue to grow and expand, but hopefully someday there will be no need for human contact at all! (I’m looking at you, Tesco).

Source: Ofcom

Twitter ‘Not Actually Better Than Sliced Bread’

A team of researchers at Harvard has found that Twitter is not, as has previously been reported, the greatest invention since waffles.

LOOK! WAFFLES!

In the study, they found that only 10% of users, or Twits generate over 90% of its content, with over half of users only updating their pages once every 74 days. This compares to an average social networking site where the top 10% of users account for 30% of its content.

Recent research by Nielsen also found that Twitter has one of the lowest return user rates of any networking site, with 60% of Twits in the US failing to return the following month.

Bill Heil, a Harvard Business School graduate who conducted the research explained, ”The Harvard data says very, very few people tweet and the Nielsen data says very, very few people listen consistently”

Twits everywhere will undoubtedly be disappointed to learn that no one is actually listening to them.

via: BBC

Home Computers 732% More Evil Than 13 Years Ago

If you own a home computer, it is over seven times more likely to try and kill you now than it would have been in 1992, new statistics have shown.

No amount of pressing the 'Help' key can save you once a computer turns.

Findings in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine have shown that, in that 13-year period, almost 80,000 patients were treated in the US for injuries inflicted by computers.

Children under 5 are at particular danger of being victimised, mainly due to falls from tripping over cables, or demonic monitors throwing themselves at the children’s heads.

The UK has seen a similar rise in electronic acts of Satan, with injuries rising from 800 in 1995 to over 1,800 in 1999 and 2,100 in 2002 , the latest figures show. 

Parents are advised to keep young children away from the blood-thirsty killing machines, and also not to play John Mayer’s music on them, as this is thought to anger them further.

via: BBC

Americans Now 83% More Productive At Wasting Time

A study by Nielsen Online has found that use of social networking sites by Americans has risen by 83 per cent in the past year, in a report released yesterday.

Don't click start. DON'T!

Facebook was the most popular stalking networking site, with 13.9 billion minutes spent on the service in April this year – an increase of 700 per cent from April 2008. 

Celebrity-haunt Twitter also enjoyed a meteoric rise of 3,712 per cent in minutes spent on the site, up to 300 million, from last years 7.8 million minutes.

Meanwhile, former king of procrastination MySpace saw its usage drop by almost one third to 4.9 million. 

Sucks for you, News Corp.

via: Xinhuanet

LG To Take Over The World With ‘Wrist Phone’

Have you ever looked down at your watch and thought “Dammit! WHY CAN’T I MAKE CALLS ON YOU?”?

Well your (ability to make calls from your wrist-related) troubles are over! South Korean electronics giant LG has answered your prayers in the form of a talking smartphone that operates from the comfort of your wrist.

My watch makes phone calls. What does yours do? Tell you the time? LAME.

The company has announced that its Rolex-beater, already popular in South Korea, will be available from next month to wrist-phone deprived consumers all across Europe, Asia, Australia, the Midde East, and possibly North America.

Among the phone’s features are video conferencing, a 1.43” color touchscreen LCD, an integrated camera, bluetooth and MP3 capabilities.

The phones are expected to start shipping in July. 

via: TheNewsBizarre

Sony Ericsson To iPhone: ‘You’re Going Down, Bee-atch’

Troubled phone manufacturer Sony Ericsson issued a rallying war cry last night to Apple’s popular iPhone thats its time as the numero uno was soon to expire.

Phones were far more civil in ye olden days.

Managing director of Sony Ericsson UK and renowned smack-talker Nathan Vautier said their new Satio phone, to be released in October, is a “game-changer” that would “return the company to profitability.”

The company, the planet’s fourth-largest mobile phone maker, suffered a blow to it’s ‘world-beater’ reputation this year with a £325 million loss in the first quarter as younger, sexier and more agile phones have overtaken their own in popularity.

Sony Ericsson, off the record, also added “That damn iPhone better stay off the West Side or we’ll start cutting off widgets.”

IPhones everywhere are believed to be trembling at the news. Or that might just be some new feature or something.

via: Telegraph

Millions of Britons Forced To Waste Lives Slightly More Slowly

Slow internet is still the number one cause of throwingpcsoutthewindow-ism

Residents of approximately three million homes in Britain suffer the indignation of a slow broadband connection every day, according to research commissioned by the BBC. 

The speedily-challenged areas, branded ‘notspots’ can not only be found in remote areas that nobody cares about, but also around major cities and suburban neighbourhoods.

The co-founder of broadband comparison sight SamKnows.com, who compiled the damning maps of speed-deficient areas, Alex Salter said that poor internet connection had negative repercussions for both the consumers and businesses. Some people are unable to shop online, or even view networking sites such as Facebook or Twitter. Other poor souls can not even watch BBC iPlayer. Oh the humanity!

Salter adds that improving internet speeds to enable more flexibility with working “offers a very real way to improve society”.

via: The Guardian

iMoan: Apple U-Turns on Sex Ban

An apple. No good for sex advice.

IPhone users will be free from today to download controversial application ‘Eucaluptus’, which was previously banned by Apple for fears that users could use it to download famed sex instruction manual, the Kama Sutra.

No reasons have been given for the sudden change of heart, but sexually frustrated nerds everywhere will undoubtedly be thrilled at the prospect.

via: Guardian