Top 10 Signs that Glenn Beck is Insane

10. Barking like a dog 9. His own panel of guests are baffled by his incoherent rants 8. He experiences esoteric hallucinations about killing Michael Moore

Quote of the Day

Everyone hates scroungers

“There are some people who are claiming welfare who are not entitled to it and that is just wrong and that should stop. Both things, fraud and error, go together and I want to cut them both.”

David Cameron, British Prime Minister, who took out a £350,000 taxpayer funded mortgage on his second home.

See also, Expenses Scandal.

Quote source: BBC

Intellectually-Challenged Detective Commits Intellectually-Challenged Bank Robbery

A police detective in Germany has been arrested for committing a crime so ill-advised, it probably shouldn’t count as a criminal offence.

Image © FOX

Detective Juergen Richter entered a German bank to committ a robbery, using his police-issue pistol, an unmarked police car, and made no attempt to disguise his appearance. He is alleged to have stolen £8,000.

CCTV footage of the robbery led police straight to the 55-year-old perpetrator.

Norbert Schaetzle, a spokeman for the police,  said: “He said he had severe financial problems and wanted to solve them quickly.”

Another officer added: “It is hard to imagine a more inept robbery. When you think how many failed criminal plans he has dealt with over the years you would think he might have known better.”

Richter is being charged with possessing a weapon while idiotic armed robbery.

via: Ananova

Gordon Ramsay’s Mommy Makes Him Say Sowwy

Gordon Ramsay, with promting from him mummy-wum has today apologised for offensive comments he made to an Australian TV presenter. At a cooking expo in Melbourne over the weekend, Ramsay made a number of remarks about current affairs presenter Tracy … Continue reading →

Baseball Coach Uses Players To Assist Burglary

An delightfully dastardly elementary school baseball coach in Washington has been accused of using members of his team to help him break into a local store.

Baseball skills are known to be widely transferrable

The legal documents allege that the man took his son and two other members of the team to an empty store in Arlington.

Police claim that the man’s son crawled in through the air vent and unlocked the back door for his father, who then used his finely honed coaching skills to encourage them to retrieve things from inside. One of the boys later told his stepfather of what had happened, and he subsequently informed the police.

Prosecutors charged the 31-year-old with burglary on Monday. The boys are not expected to be charged.

via: cnews

Dim Drug Dealer Deserts Dope In Arrivals Lounge

An intellectually-challenged drug dealer has broken rule number one of the Drug Smuggling Code (not that I would know anything about that) by forgetting to claim the stash after arriving in the UK.

Smuggling heroin is almost as illegal as smuggling water bottles over 100ml. Almost.

UK Border Agency officials say they found the suitcase going around a luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport. It was packed with 20 kilograms of heroin, worth approximately £800,000 and is believed to have arrived on a flight from Mexico on Friday.

Senior investigation officer for HM Revenue and Customs, Stuart Robinson, added: “At present we have not identified a passenger for this baggage.”

Possible owners are asked to come forward, preferably with their hands in the air.

via: Metro

Heroic Researchers Finally Find Answer To Most Perplexing Question In History Of Universe

In a noble act of self-sacrifice, academic researchers have finally answered the question that nobody really asked has bamboozled humankind since the dawn of time: Does James Bond prefer blondes?

License Revoked? Need Beer? Use A Lawnmower, D’uh

An American man has been arrested for doing what any logical person would do by going out on a lawnmower, while drunk, to buy more beer.

The sweet nectar has inspired many evil plans.

The 51-year-old Maine resident has been charged with operating under the influence after driving a lawnmower to the local store, with a friend, to stock up on beer. 

Their ingenius plan was foiled, however, when Trooper Joe Chretien was warned by several motorists of a wayward mower causing havoc on the roads. The man was subsequently arrested after he and his friend emerged from the store, with beer in hand.

The man could not be reached for comment, but is assumed to be an evil genius.

via: cnews

Business World To Men: ‘You Suck. Have A Raise’

A libellous new study has found that women make better career decisions than their male counterparts, which also comes in light of the news that men are more likely to be victims of the recession.

If you are a woman, you probably don't know that this shiny stuff is called 'money'.

According to the study, women take fewer professional risks (19% versus 26%), but are more likely to make informed career decisions (47% of women versus 41% of men).

Perhaps this would explain that shameful Apprentice final.

However, fortunately for men, despite their more poorly advised career decisions, there’s still that ever-widening pay gap. God bless the pay gap.

via: Management Today

Running On Empty: Bank Robbers Foiled By Lack Of Gas

Two suspected bank robbers have given an inspired demonstration of how not to rob a bank by being caught after their getaway car ran out of gas.

Evil Plan - Step 1: Fill up tank.

Police say that after the first suspect, a 38-year-old man, went into the bank and demanded an unauthorised withdrawal from the teller. After successfully escaping the bank with the money, police say he got into a Jeep, driven by his accomplice, a 35-year-old, and proceeded to drive away.

Unfortunately, their plan was somewhat foiled as the Jeep ran out of gas shortly afterward. Both men left the car and went their separate ways, before police traced the SUV back to it’s legal owner – the accomplice.

The men are currently being held on $50,000 bail and are facing bank robbery charges.

via: Yahoo!