Heroic Researchers Finally Find Answer To Most Perplexing Question In History Of Universe

In a noble act of self-sacrifice, academic researchers have finally answered the question that nobody really asked has bamboozled humankind since the dawn of time: Does James Bond prefer blondes?

Garlic ‘Gives Poor Protection Against Vampires’

Garlic is still a potent woman-repeller.

New research published today has shocked the vampire-fearing world by debunking the widely held belief that garlic provides the best protection against our toothy foes. 

Our faith in the power of garlic in deterring crafty haemoglobin-lovers can be traced back hundreds, even thousands of years to when cavemen used to have communal garlic baths as a means of survival. Dr. Steven Upid expanded on these findings,

 We were only actually trying to find out if there was a connection between high garlic consumption and watching American Idol, but we somehow came upon the finding that garlic really does not repel vampires. In fact, to an extent we actually found the opposite in a number of cases where vampires were actually attracted to the smell. 

If nothing else, the news will almost certainly reduce the number of people panic-buying garlic, which has seen a sudden spike recently in the wake of the popular ‘Twilight’ movies.

The ongoing search for an effective vampire repellent continues.

Relaxation ‘Increases Stress’

  

Don't be fooled. She's actually really stressed.

Shocking results of research published today has found a prominent link between relaxation and high stress levels. 

In a study of passengers at 59 various airports around the world, 82 sceintists surveyed over 2 vacationers before and after they went on their ‘relaxing’ holiday.

Before leaving for their holiday, those who were expecting to have the most relaxing holiday were actually the most stressed upon their return. Thus irrefutable proving that all holidays ever actually make everyone more miserable than before.

Dr. Ian Diotic, head of the study, summarised,

It’s an all-to-common assumption that holidays and relaxation are good for lowering stress levels, but we’ve clearly proven here that the opposite is actually true. 

In light of this new information, those who are seeking relaxation are advised to get a job with an angrier boss, take the most congested route home after work, enroll in University, listen to heavy metal or have children.

via: The Institute of Idiotic Studies.

Love of Cereal ‘Linked to Higher Milk Consumption’

This cereal is in 'O' shapes.

Scientists over the world were shocked today to find a causal link between eating cereal and having higher than average milk consumption patterns. In a study of 6 participants, 32 scientists deduced that, over a thirty year period, those who ranked cereal the highest in the Facebook Test ‘What’s your favourite Food?’ were by far the most prolific milk drinkers. 

Dr. Oliver Bvious said that the findings “raised fascinating questions about the relationship between cereal and milk that have previously been left unexplored in the Milky Sciences”.

Cows everywhere are thought to be miffed at the news.

via: The Institute of Pointless Studies