Famewhoring Crocodile Tries it Octopus-Style in Aussie Elections

Attempting to emulate the ungodly powers of Paul the Psychic Octopus, a wannabe Australian crocodile is trying its hand at devil-worship by predicting the outcome of the Australian Prime Ministerial elections.

Photo: Ho/Reuters

The saltwater crocodile, named Harry, made the prediction by eating a piece of chicken dangling from a photograph of the incumbent Prime Minister Julia Gillard, who is also Australia’s first female and first unmarried Head of State.

The psychic pedigree of the crocodilian clairvoyant is unknown, although it is claimed that he, too, predicted Spain’s win in the World Cup Final last month – a claim that is now being echoed by ninety per cent of the Earth’s population.

Unfortunately for the croc, his prediction is nowhere near as important of those of Paul the Octopus, although without his antics, none of us would know who Julia Gillard is.

Source: Guardian

Heroic Researchers Finally Find Answer To Most Perplexing Question In History Of Universe

In a noble act of self-sacrifice, academic researchers have finally answered the question that nobody really asked has bamboozled humankind since the dawn of time: Does James Bond prefer blondes?

Business World To Men: ‘You Suck. Have A Raise’

A libellous new study has found that women make better career decisions than their male counterparts, which also comes in light of the news that men are more likely to be victims of the recession.

If you are a woman, you probably don't know that this shiny stuff is called 'money'.

According to the study, women take fewer professional risks (19% versus 26%), but are more likely to make informed career decisions (47% of women versus 41% of men).

Perhaps this would explain that shameful Apprentice final.

However, fortunately for men, despite their more poorly advised career decisions, there’s still that ever-widening pay gap. God bless the pay gap.

via: Management Today

‘Bigger Than Oprah’: Jolie Named Most Powerful Person Ever In The History Of The Universe

Angelina Jolie has unseated Oprah Winfrey as the most powerful being in the universe, according to Forbes Magazine’s 2009 Celebrity 100 List. Ms. Winfrey slipped to the dreaded number two spot after two consecutive years at the summit, although she … Continue reading →

Treacherous Male Calls For Women To Take Over The World

Man-person Charlie Brooker has endangered civilisation as we know it by calling upon women to overthrow our heroic male leaders and take over the entire world. Brooker, possibly suffering from a bout of rationality watching too much daytime television, argues that … Continue reading →

M&S Boss To Women: ‘Stop Whining, There Is No Glass Ceiling! Now Buy My Clothes.’

Marks and Spencer chairman Stuart Rose has said what we are all really thinking by telling feminists to quit their petty whining, it has emerged.

Hey you. Woman! Get off the phone and GET A JOB!

In an interview with the Observer, Rose endeared women everywhere by saying:

“Apart from the fact that you’ve got more equality than you ever can deal with, the fact of the matter is that you’ve got real democracy and there are really no glass ceilings, despite the fact that some of you moan about it all the time.”

Just to drive the point home, he added:

“I mean, what else do you want to do, for God’s sake? Women astronauts. Women miners. Women dentists. Women doctors. Women managing directors. What is it you haven’t got?”

Rose, who has promoted women to senior positions in his company, is due to stand down from the position in 2011. During his time at the helm of the company, Rose has tirelessly dedicated himself to advancing the cause of women by selling them average quality clothing at twice the price of regular retailers. 

Feminists could not be reached for comment. Probably too busy imagining the existence of sexism.

via: BBC

Clueless Women Given Talking to by Proper Businessmen

Helpless women in Northern Ireland were given entrepreneurial business advice today at the 2009 Business Advice Forum. The aim of the event, sponsored by Invest NI is to support female entrepreneurs with speeches from business advisers from various fields.

Women have trouble coping with manly business advice.

Among those present were employees of BT and Manley’s and Time Associates, covering topics such as branding, cashflow management and online marketing strategies through social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook. 

Christine Boyle, the chair of Women in Business, expressed her delight at the attendance levels for the event. However, the mood was somewhat damnpened when several women had to be removed from the event after suffering brain overloads from the sheer amount of business-related information they were required to absorb.

via: Belfast Telegraph

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