Budget Cuts Force Bomb Squads to Build Own Disposal Experts

Source: Ricecracker

Local School Seeks Headteacher With GSOH For LTR

A primary school in England has placed a ‘lonely hearts’ style ad in its search for a new headteacher.

Parents are amused, creeped out by the ad.

Staff at the school, which teaches 4 to 11-year-old children, had been unsuccessful in their previous, more legitimate attempts to find a new headmaster, so decided, in the manner of a lonely, middle-aged divorcee, to place a personal ad.

The school described itself as “enthusiastic, happy, keen to learn”, and is looking for applicants who have “GSOH, energy and vision.”

Potential applicants are warned that the photos provided were taked before the school had any children.

via: news:lite

Home Computers 732% More Evil Than 13 Years Ago

If you own a home computer, it is over seven times more likely to try and kill you now than it would have been in 1992, new statistics have shown.

No amount of pressing the 'Help' key can save you once a computer turns.

Findings in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine have shown that, in that 13-year period, almost 80,000 patients were treated in the US for injuries inflicted by computers.

Children under 5 are at particular danger of being victimised, mainly due to falls from tripping over cables, or demonic monitors throwing themselves at the children’s heads.

The UK has seen a similar rise in electronic acts of Satan, with injuries rising from 800 in 1995 to over 1,800 in 1999 and 2,100 in 2002 , the latest figures show. 

Parents are advised to keep young children away from the blood-thirsty killing machines, and also not to play John Mayer’s music on them, as this is thought to anger them further.

via: BBC

Heroic Researchers Finally Find Answer To Most Perplexing Question In History Of Universe

In a noble act of self-sacrifice, academic researchers have finally answered the question that nobody really asked has bamboozled humankind since the dawn of time: Does James Bond prefer blondes?

Self-Centered Humans Endanger Animal Welfare By Being Eaten By Them

THINK BEFORE YOU GET EATEN.

Signs have been erected throughout animal enclosures today to remind people of the potential dangers that leaning on fences and being eaten could pose to animals.

Up to one animal every year is infected with Human Flu caused by direct human ingestion, and zookeepers have decided to take drastic action to prevent this endemic problem from spreading further by putting up notices on animal enclosures.

It is hoped that these signs will be effective in preventing the problem, and that zookeepers will not have to resort to handing out leaflets.

via: tenioman

Garlic ‘Gives Poor Protection Against Vampires’

Garlic is still a potent woman-repeller.

New research published today has shocked the vampire-fearing world by debunking the widely held belief that garlic provides the best protection against our toothy foes. 

Our faith in the power of garlic in deterring crafty haemoglobin-lovers can be traced back hundreds, even thousands of years to when cavemen used to have communal garlic baths as a means of survival. Dr. Steven Upid expanded on these findings,

 We were only actually trying to find out if there was a connection between high garlic consumption and watching American Idol, but we somehow came upon the finding that garlic really does not repel vampires. In fact, to an extent we actually found the opposite in a number of cases where vampires were actually attracted to the smell. 

If nothing else, the news will almost certainly reduce the number of people panic-buying garlic, which has seen a sudden spike recently in the wake of the popular ‘Twilight’ movies.

The ongoing search for an effective vampire repellent continues.

Yoghurt Fight Causes International Crisis

The spelling of the word ‘yoghurt’ used by British manufacturers is causing a bit of a row between traditionalists and people who prefer to spell things incorrectly.

Peanut yoghurt wouldn't taste very nice.

Manufacturers have defended this despicable action, noting that the old spelling is becoming archaic and the spelling of the word should reflect changes within the industry. Clair Cheney, director general of the Provision Trade Federation has also tried to defend the Americanisation of the term, adding that it was a sensible decision to drop the ‘h’ to avoid “unnecessary confusion”. Then she whipped out a dictionary and said something about Turkey.

Writer and etymologist Michael Quinion further dug the grave of the humble ‘h’ saying that it would most likely soon be obsolete. Sad Face.

via: The Telegraph

Evil Penguins ‘Planned to Overthrow Government’

P-p-p-pissed off

An undercover government operation today unveiled a decade-long plan by a parcel of anti-capitalist penguins to overthrow the governnment and begin a Marxist revolution.

The penguins are thought to have been incensed by recent scandals within government including the banking crisis and the still unresolved expenses scandals that revealed corruption within centralised government, and their constant misrepresentation on chocolate bar wrappers. The leader of the parcel, known as ‘Pingu’ said of their actions,

We are tired of the constant stereotypes forced upon us. For too long humans have misinterpreted our evil intentions for innocent cutesiness. We’ve had enough of this social isolation that is so endemic in capitalist societies. It was time for a change. Penguin style.

Most of the remaining penguins fled upon the ambush of their secretive headquarters, so were unavailable for comment. Or a bit of a funny joke.

Relaxation ‘Increases Stress’

  

Don't be fooled. She's actually really stressed.

Shocking results of research published today has found a prominent link between relaxation and high stress levels. 

In a study of passengers at 59 various airports around the world, 82 sceintists surveyed over 2 vacationers before and after they went on their ‘relaxing’ holiday.

Before leaving for their holiday, those who were expecting to have the most relaxing holiday were actually the most stressed upon their return. Thus irrefutable proving that all holidays ever actually make everyone more miserable than before.

Dr. Ian Diotic, head of the study, summarised,

It’s an all-to-common assumption that holidays and relaxation are good for lowering stress levels, but we’ve clearly proven here that the opposite is actually true. 

In light of this new information, those who are seeking relaxation are advised to get a job with an angrier boss, take the most congested route home after work, enroll in University, listen to heavy metal or have children.

via: The Institute of Idiotic Studies.

Love of Cereal ‘Linked to Higher Milk Consumption’

This cereal is in 'O' shapes.

Scientists over the world were shocked today to find a causal link between eating cereal and having higher than average milk consumption patterns. In a study of 6 participants, 32 scientists deduced that, over a thirty year period, those who ranked cereal the highest in the Facebook Test ‘What’s your favourite Food?’ were by far the most prolific milk drinkers. 

Dr. Oliver Bvious said that the findings “raised fascinating questions about the relationship between cereal and milk that have previously been left unexplored in the Milky Sciences”.

Cows everywhere are thought to be miffed at the news.

via: The Institute of Pointless Studies