McLawsuit: McDonalds McSues Sardinian Snack Bar ‘McPuddus’

Local restaurant owner Ivan Puddu has incurred the McWrath of international fast food giant McDonalds by daring to append ‘Mc’ to his snack bar’s name.

McPissed Off: Ronald suits up.

Hero To Zero: Coke Banned In Venezuela

The Venezuelan government has upset its cavity-chasing citizens by banning sales of Coca-Cola Zero, pending health investigations.

Coke: tastes marginally better than battery acid.

Health Minister Jesus Mantilla said: “The product should be withdrawn from circulation to preserve the health of Venezuelans.” Officials have declined to comment on what health risks the drink is thought to pose.

In a joint statement with its local distributor, Coca-Cola insisted that the drink was safe for consumption,

“Coca Cola Zero is made under the highest quality standards around the world and meets the sanitary requirements demanded by the laws of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela.”

Chavez’s government has a reputation for anti-capitalist rhetoric, often interpreted as anti-Americanism.

via: The Register

Britain Declares Victory In War On Economy

The National Institute of Economic and Social Research has officially declared that Britain is the first industrialised country to emerge from the depths of economic recession.

Brits can finally start using their money clips again.

The NIESR claims that the British gross domestic product (GDP) grew for the first time in over a year in April, expanding by 0.2 per cent and a further 0.1 per cent in May.

The think-tank produces monthly estimates of British GDP growth, and claims that the lowest point of the recession was passed in March. Someone should tell my bank balance.

If official data confirm the prediction, it would mark the greatest victory since I opened that jar of pickles this morning. That was a tough time.

via: The Times

Twitter ‘Not Actually Better Than Sliced Bread’

A team of researchers at Harvard has found that Twitter is not, as has previously been reported, the greatest invention since waffles.

LOOK! WAFFLES!

In the study, they found that only 10% of users, or Twits generate over 90% of its content, with over half of users only updating their pages once every 74 days. This compares to an average social networking site where the top 10% of users account for 30% of its content.

Recent research by Nielsen also found that Twitter has one of the lowest return user rates of any networking site, with 60% of Twits in the US failing to return the following month.

Bill Heil, a Harvard Business School graduate who conducted the research explained, ”The Harvard data says very, very few people tweet and the Nielsen data says very, very few people listen consistently”

Twits everywhere will undoubtedly be disappointed to learn that no one is actually listening to them.

via: BBC

Business World To Men: ‘You Suck. Have A Raise’

A libellous new study has found that women make better career decisions than their male counterparts, which also comes in light of the news that men are more likely to be victims of the recession.

If you are a woman, you probably don't know that this shiny stuff is called 'money'.

According to the study, women take fewer professional risks (19% versus 26%), but are more likely to make informed career decisions (47% of women versus 41% of men).

Perhaps this would explain that shameful Apprentice final.

However, fortunately for men, despite their more poorly advised career decisions, there’s still that ever-widening pay gap. God bless the pay gap.

via: Management Today

Gordon Brown: Even Unpopular With Currency

The British pound fell sharply again today, after having briefly reached a seven-month high yesterday, in light of speculation that wildly unpopular Prime Minister Gordon Brown would resign.

This graph represents the monetary approval ratings of Brown since he took office over 100 years ago.

Although the rumours were quickly dismissed by his office, the pound fell over 1.0 per cent against the US dollar to $1.6082, a session low, before recovering to a slightly less terrible $1.62.

Brown is the first British politician to register such low approval ratings with their national currency since this morning when I made up the idea.

via: Reuters

LG To Take Over The World With ‘Wrist Phone’

Have you ever looked down at your watch and thought “Dammit! WHY CAN’T I MAKE CALLS ON YOU?”?

Well your (ability to make calls from your wrist-related) troubles are over! South Korean electronics giant LG has answered your prayers in the form of a talking smartphone that operates from the comfort of your wrist.

My watch makes phone calls. What does yours do? Tell you the time? LAME.

The company has announced that its Rolex-beater, already popular in South Korea, will be available from next month to wrist-phone deprived consumers all across Europe, Asia, Australia, the Midde East, and possibly North America.

Among the phone’s features are video conferencing, a 1.43” color touchscreen LCD, an integrated camera, bluetooth and MP3 capabilities.

The phones are expected to start shipping in July. 

via: TheNewsBizarre

Nintendo To Rivals: ‘Bring It Be-atches. I Ain’t Afraid Of You’

Nintendo’s exalted games developer and nerd-hero, Shigeru Miyamoto, has today responded to the influx of potential Wii-competitors from Microsoft and Sony by saying that Nintendo are  ”not worried at all” by the potential Wii-killers. The famed Wii console has enjoyed … Continue reading →

Ryanair Learns That Very Low Prices + Bad Economy = Very Low Profit

You-get-what-you-pay-for budget airline Ryanair has fallen into its first ever loss, reporting a €169m ($239m) loss last year.

This is what a plane looks like.

The deficit, the first in their 24-year history, was mostly blamed on rising fuel costs, with Ryanair claiming their costs rose by 59 per cent in year up to the end of March 2009. 

This loss came in spite of an 8.4 per cent increase in annual sales upon the previous year, overtaking the passenger numbers of high-fliers such as British Airways and Air France, Ryanair said.

This was certainly good news to Chief executive Michael O’Leary, who predicted that the his company’s profits would increase to between  €200 and 300m in the current financial year.

News of the loss is expected to shock everyone who failed math or has been living under a rock and is unaware that the financial apocalypse has dawned.

via: EarthTimes

Krispy Kreme Clogs Sewer, Arteries

Officials in Virginia have accused diet-unfriendly pastry company Krispy Kreme of blocking its sewer system with its waste, in a lawsuit filed this month.

Doughnuts: slightly more appealing than using a picture of grease.

Fairfax County says the doughnut firm has caused damage to their sewage system by depositing its yeast and grease leftovers from its factory in Lorton.

County officials filed the lawsuit earlier this month after Krispy Kreme, who deny the charges, refused to pay almost $2 million in repairs.

Krispy Kreme has previously faced similar lawsuits from arteries that have claimed for extensive damage caused by grease deposits. Fortunately for the company, however, most courts do not accept claims made by blood vessels. Or fat people.

via: cnews