Weekly Fail: News Round-up

If you are a woman, this statue makes more money than you.

• Men were victims (yet again). This time of the recession. As were unhappily married couples.
• Humans were victims of dastardly evil plots by our natural enemy, domestic animals. And computers.
• Criminals were victims of idiocy ingenius so advanced that it can not be comprehended by regular people.
• Twitter was proven to not actually be the second coming.
• Jesus missed his second coming.
• We’re all gonna die of swine flu. But Venezualans might die from Coke Zero first.
• A photograph proved age-old beliefs that the world is flat. A study proved age-old beliefs that academic research is often totally pointless.

Forgery Was ‘Too Terrible To Be Illegal’

An evil genius in Argentina, standing trial over allegedly using counterfeit money, has been found not guilty of the charges because the forgeries were so bad.

Fake money: noted for its obvious lack of famous mugshots. D'uh.

The federal court decided that the fake notes were “so clumsy and crude” that “they could not be accepted by most people.”

The accused, a 65-year-old tried to use a false 100 peso note as well as a false US $50 bill.

Judges in Buenas Aires decided that the quality of the forgery was so poor that most people would not reasonably have been fooled. The charges were dismissed on Wednesday.

via: Metro

Monkey, Bird Form Diabolical Alliance

Photo: hto2008

Wanted: Human Impersonator & Generally Evil

Photo: Gattou/Lucie

‘We’re All Gonna Die’ -WHO

The World Health Organisation has officially declared a global influenza pandemic, in light of the swine flu pandemic.

In severe strains of flu, people have been known to turn into cartoons.

The declaration means that the swine flu virus has spread across at least two continents, with cases having arisen in the UK, Australia, Japan and Chile.

Official reports claim that there are almost 30,000 known cases globally, with 141 deaths and rising.

It is the first flu pandemic since 1968, in which about a million people died.

Mass panic is expected to ensue.

via: BBC

Intellectually-Challenged Detective Commits Intellectually-Challenged Bank Robbery

A police detective in Germany has been arrested for committing a crime so ill-advised, it probably shouldn’t count as a criminal offence.

Image © FOX

Detective Juergen Richter entered a German bank to committ a robbery, using his police-issue pistol, an unmarked police car, and made no attempt to disguise his appearance. He is alleged to have stolen £8,000.

CCTV footage of the robbery led police straight to the 55-year-old perpetrator.

Norbert Schaetzle, a spokeman for the police,  said: “He said he had severe financial problems and wanted to solve them quickly.”

Another officer added: “It is hard to imagine a more inept robbery. When you think how many failed criminal plans he has dealt with over the years you would think he might have known better.”

Richter is being charged with possessing a weapon while idiotic armed robbery.

via: Ananova

Hero To Zero: Coke Banned In Venezuela

The Venezuelan government has upset its cavity-chasing citizens by banning sales of Coca-Cola Zero, pending health investigations.

Coke: tastes marginally better than battery acid.

Health Minister Jesus Mantilla said: “The product should be withdrawn from circulation to preserve the health of Venezuelans.” Officials have declined to comment on what health risks the drink is thought to pose.

In a joint statement with its local distributor, Coca-Cola insisted that the drink was safe for consumption,

“Coca Cola Zero is made under the highest quality standards around the world and meets the sanitary requirements demanded by the laws of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela.”

Chavez’s government has a reputation for anti-capitalist rhetoric, often interpreted as anti-Americanism.

via: The Register

Evil Shark Plans Thwarted By Presence Of Roof

Photo: Daveybot

Britain Declares Victory In War On Economy

The National Institute of Economic and Social Research has officially declared that Britain is the first industrialised country to emerge from the depths of economic recession.

Brits can finally start using their money clips again.

The NIESR claims that the British gross domestic product (GDP) grew for the first time in over a year in April, expanding by 0.2 per cent and a further 0.1 per cent in May.

The think-tank produces monthly estimates of British GDP growth, and claims that the lowest point of the recession was passed in March. Someone should tell my bank balance.

If official data confirm the prediction, it would mark the greatest victory since I opened that jar of pickles this morning. That was a tough time.

via: The Times

Gordon Ramsay’s Mommy Makes Him Say Sowwy

Gordon Ramsay, with promting from him mummy-wum has today apologised for offensive comments he made to an Australian TV presenter.

I would be honoured to be compared to such a creature!

At a cooking expo in Melbourne over the weekend, Ramsay made a number of remarks about current affairs presenter Tracy Grimshaw, saying she was an “old ugly lesbian pig”.

He told Channel Nine today that he was prompted to apologise by his mummy after she called him and expressed “disgust” at the poor quality of his smack-talk his behaviour.

The 88-year-old cooking dude said his actions were “stupid and very careless”, and were not “meant to hurt in any way”.

Yeah, Rudd, calm down. ‘Ugly old lesbian pig’ is a common form of greeting in Australia. Jeez.

via: Entertainment Wise